Grief in Death, Grief in Divorce

Grief in death and grief in divorce. It is hard even verbalizing that truth; integrating that reality, when all my life the union of what I imagined a family being is no longer. It is oddly familiar untangling from a my soon to be ex husband who I truly believed would be my life partner. The grief is familiar while drastically different in the nuances.

Coming up on the 11th birthday of my son and I find myself caught between day dreaming of what could of been and oddly feeling normal in the what is not. It is strange to call it “normal” as loosing a child is never a “normal” feeling or existence. And yet here I am alive, at times clawing to find the crack to let the light in. Actively choosing to dance even amongst the challenges that are part of all of our existence. I am not special in any way, my hardships are not unusual, my losses though they may differ from others circumstantially do not change the reality of so many grieving. Nobody is immune from the grief of loss; all at some point are going to experience grief at some point of life that will leave them gasping for air. I feel grateful in one breath that I have loved and been loved so deeply to feel the space between while also holding so much sadness for what is. Life has unfolded and through these experiences I have drawn the conclusion; I am no longer willing to hide the spectrum of life and package myself in a way that is digestible for the masses.

Loosing a child changed me , I have died more times than I can count in the last 8 years. Some deaths feeling monumental while others being whispered in the silence of the night. Learning to live with the reality of this life has come with times of excruciating tension and resistance but it is in the surrender where I have been able to find the dance.

It has been 8 years since our son Legend took his departure. As quickly as he arrived it felt like as quickly he was gone. The years have been a blur, of feeling it all and wanting to feel none of it. While love has been the anchor there have been many obstacles and “Come to Jesus Moments”. Curiousity has guided me down many different paths, diving into things and people that have become the wisdom and connection in which I have needed to be reborn. From the stranger that stops to chat, to the life changing keynote speakers and ancient wisdom teachers that have divinely been placed in my path. I find it quite amazing that the circumstances of my life have landed me in spaces and places that have been offerings, medicine and sometimes challenges that have allowed me to be curious and continue. All the while I am a human having a human experience, the pain of Legends absence is palapable no matter how many years pass. The reality of the fragility of life lies just below the surface reminding me often just how trivial most of this “living” really is. While his departure has offered and immense amount of depth and grace for myself and all human beings it comes at a cost that still feels too great to reckon with.

Traveling to the far corners of the earth or being drawn to shamans and gurus became a quest to find medicine for my pain. What I found was this; while I was drawn to my spirtual growth and fascinated by the souls journey (this quest has helped to piece the pieces of a greater existence together, or expand my views on the souls journey at the end of the day in this lifetime); I am a mom, who has lost a child, and that FUCKING HURTS. Where spirituality and deeper healing expanded my understanding the raw emotion of being human had to be felt in this body. Early on I would go to yoga and just lie there and cry. My mat was familiar a place where it had always just made sense to return back to. There were periods where I was angry at myself for even wanting to heal, wanting to find some sembalence of normalcy. There were points where to exist felt so wrong when Legend was robbed of the opportunity. Through my curiousity, great teachers, and students of life being vulnerable I came to understand that this lifetime is not the end all be all. That he was not robbed rather this was his souls journey in this incarnation. That his physical form may no longer be with us and yet his love is something that can very much still live on. The ability to have a greater understanding for life and death brought me back to the center of the soul and the dimensional nature of its journey. I clung to the esoteric, head in the clouds, despising much of what it means to be in this body. I spent a good amount of time connecting to spirit and just naively dancing in the realms beyond this lifetime. My heart needed it, my soul had been yearning for it and my mommy heart craved to connect beyond form. And while this served me, and healed me and grew me it would also soon spit me out and beg for me to come back. Come back to earth, come back to the trappings of this life, face it and alchemize it with the beauty and dance that lives beyond pain, suffering and sin. I resisted, I shape shifted and tried to move situations in and out and all around to make it work. At first it was resistance to be in this world as it all seemed like such a charade, so trivial to do the daily tasks as what matter most was moments spent. I spent many evening frusterated by peoples actions and intentions that seemed to be detached from this truth I knew, wondering why I felt like such an alien in my own existence. I toiled with the ways in which society has constructed us all to show up while simultaneously feeling like I had suffered a loss that had made me see things more clearly than ever before. Stepping into life meant stepping out of this wisdom that I had gained in the wake of my sons life. In those moments I felt like I had to choose, the deeper wisdom and expansion that was the gift imparted on me through his passing or my children on earths normalcy. What I did not know is it could be both and neither at the same time. That Our normal would be created in a way that was not run by societal constructs or understood by many. And that even though that may be unusual it did not make it wrong.

In stepping back into life I began reimagining what it meant for all of us; and what it would mean to really ground; coming back to the here and now with so many lessons. For months even years I felt like an alien in my body. Way more clarity, more certainty, more alignment than ever before and yet it was so forgien and triggering to those closest to me. No matter which way I manuevered or what I tried to make digestable something was off. It started out subtly as a gentle nudge; “like hey, i dont think this is it.” Then it became an offering where the choices were being laid out for me. Choose yourself or be digesatable and shrink. I chose being digesatable in the name of keeping the peace. I chose playing small so I did not have to be a mirror that created chaos. I thought I had chosen the family, until choosing “the family” came at the expense of my own well being, growth and alchemy. Until choosing the family meant I had to abandon myself and all the growth and lessons that I had learned up until this point. Until I recognized that no matter how many times and or ways I manuevered and played small there would never be peace. I was not the answer for a changed enviroment in our family or any relationship for that matter. I could not will it a different way. No matter the amount of time and energy, and understanding and grace and space holding, and talking and trying and trying I did without a desire and reciperation I would never be seen, my intentions would always fall on deaf ears, and the love and peace which I desired US to uphold would always fall on me. These truths came in waves, all at once, in the disappoinments and let downs, in the anger and rage. Time and time again I would make excuses in my own mind, find my own flaws in which I could change that would allow me to hang on to hope. And then one day my body protested, my immune system continually crashed, my life force felt like it was dying. So this time; when the anger ensued, when the willingness to throw something I held as sacred all away I surrendered.

I surrendered with fear, with doubts and a whole lot of guilt. I knew not making a choice would keep me in a loop of slowly dying inside and while that may have been a reality i subscribed to prior to Legends passing it was one I made a promise to him I would not continue on in his wake. No longer could I stay comfortable at the expense of my existence. Surrendering comes in phases; it did in death and it is in divorce. The wrapping your brain around a reality you never thought you would be embarking on is in and of itself a process of contraction and release. Surrendering the need to care as the choices of this person are no longer mine to own or identify with. While the intensity of Legends loss felt monsterous in comparison to this uncoupling; the day to day weight of all the complexities (of a lifetime built with someone) has become a daily invitation to either contract or release. It is finding where you can soften and let go, where you no longer need to hold on to. The ideas, the dreamt futures, the “relatioinship”, the moments that will be missed. It is grappling with what was and now what is. Each of these instances is a loss that needs to be felt so that it can be alchemized. I remember when Legend passed I did not smile for a bit. I would spend hours looking back at photos of us laughing and playing wondering how I could have been so naive to the fragility of life. Wondering if there would ever be a day that I could feel that joy again? I remember the day in which I genuinely smiled again after his passing. We were with friends on the beach watching the sunset. I had concsiously made a choice that day to just be in the moment with the kids, with my husband at the time and our friends. As I watched the sun set from behind the sun, and my partner held me in his arms as I watched my kids dance despite the weight of the world being all around them….and then I smiled for the first time! It felt wrong, I grappled with the visible expression in my head and danced between guilt and the desire to just be in the moment. This was my first experience in truly stepping into the duality of life. Of holding the grief and honoring it while also allowing myself to surrender into the experience of being alive. Life over the course of these 8 years has invited me into relationships, situations, scenarios and circumstances that have asked me can you still dance? Not in a toxic positivity way, rather a way to challenge me to be a vessel for it all. The invitation was offered time and time again. In one instance it was a house fire 1 day before going into labor. It was our first time intentionally planning to bring a child into this world and we were tested with the dream of how it was going to be. We held out newborn in our arms while also grieving not being in our home. Everything we had created for our nest was ruined and the weight of being displaced with kids while also sitting in the sacredness of being a portal for new life. A dance of opposites and a moment to ponder can I honor this loss while also soaking up this love. I joked it felt like a walk in the park but as I sit in deep reflection I recognize that it was not a walk in the park. It was a dance of life; crying and frustration in the vision of what this sacred time would be while also joy and reverance for what it ended up being. It was life’s journey up until this point that has allowed me to space and clarity to find the ability to dance between the dualities. To feel the sadness, and grief and disappointment while also letting it all go because in the end what really matters is love. It gifted me the opportunity for the first time in my life to surrender and feel disappointment in my circumstances without trying to will them away or change the outcome. It allowed me to say this is not ideal, but it is ok and move in a way that did not steal from the tenderness and early months of getting to know my son. Emotions were palapable and yet they did not steal the presence from the moment as intensely. It was not easy by any means and to date there really has not been a challenge in which I have been asked to traverse that has been easy. But lifes events and the personal desire to lean in has allowed me to widen my landscape and access my well of soveriegnty, joy and love that is not reliant on anyone or anything.

Uncoupling lay just below the surface for years. Yet it was a truth I would shove to the far corners of the mind and soul resisting at all costs for years. I distracted with trying to “fix” me, to finding my own faults trying to make my flaws less. Bobbing and weaving and hiding or dimming the light within me. It would hit a crossroads often showing me a small glimpse into what felt like a path that I would ultimately need to take but one I was not willing to embark on. Naively I believed if I Loved harder, shifted more, got smaller, tampered down my passion, it would be enough to keep the peace. It was not until my desire to love myself whole heartedly became the life raft in which i would need to survive Legend’s passing that it became more and more apparent; this was not going to be it. I resisted until my physical being said NO ENOUGH. NOT ANOTHER WORD, SURRENDER. And so I trusted my inner wisdom and guides. Each moment there was a threat to our union I surrendered to what that may unfold. I chose my own wellbeing feeling selfish and guilty; questioning my decision all the way. I sat in meditation, I prayed asking for signs and strength, I fantasized running back because it was familiar and less triggering for everyone. But each moment I felt weak, I was met with guidance, with angels both on earth and guides of lives past. It is this that has held me at my uptmost worst and given me the strength and space to recognize this path that I have willingly chosen to surrender to was always the one I am meant to go down. In choosing me I have had to let go of so much. It is wildly uncomfortable and looks and feels like I AM FREE FALLING with nowhere to really land. I have lived a million griefs in the uncoupling much like the griefs felt in the loss of Legend. There is so much tied up when something that was is no longer. I find myself dancing with envy as I witness the contentment others find in being comfortable. Sometimes I wish that I could unsee and un-feel all that has led me to this point. All too swiftly, I am reminded that was never meant to be my journey. As to in death so to in loss. I have chosen to surrender and in doing so have slowly divorced from many parts of myself that have kept me safe. Reckoned with the losses that will be inevitable to make space for the abundance that lay beyond this moment.

Life has not been easy, but I would be a fool at this point in my life to believe that anyone has it easy. The arena of living amongst life has been my training grounds and greatest teacher. All would be lost if the lessons and insight I have gained from it all were kept to myself. Today I am grieving, yesterday I was grieving. Some days the grief feels big, while other days it seems to offer a moment of reprieve. I am fiercely committed to finding the cracks to let the light in; for allowing myself to dance even in the abscence of accomplishment but rather because exisiting is in and of itself enough. I am not for everyone, never have been and for the first time I can truly attest to what that really means. I am ok with that despite my deep love for many. This vulnerability is for the people who my story resonates with, this raw expression and vulnerability is a peek into a version of the human expression. Because what I have come to learn is that so many feel alone because of the stories and truths that they keep a secret in their minds. I hope in my vulnerability it gives you permission in whatever way that may look for you. Whether it gives you the permission to step back and honor your journey and how far you have come, or maybe it is to allow you to feel ok with life being messy. I bought a bag of chips that told me the purpose of life was to be happy; but it is in the dark of night that I have grown a deep appreciation for the full experience and let go of the unrealistic reality of happiness. I choose to dance between joy and pain, sadness and ecstacy. I have radical grace for myself and a curiousity for life that I no longer box or contain. Which in turn allows me to have radical grace and acceptance for others. I see myself in peoples downfalls and triumphs not because I have walked their life but because I connect with the essence of them that is love. I respect the struggle and the messiness. I applaud the mistakes and am the biggest cheerleader for everyones wins. I am not afraid to be triggered therefore I know without a doubt my existence to many is met with a roughness that some may not be able to place. And that is ok. Death threw me into the depths of my soul, divorce is guiding me back to the heart of my existence nudging me to be the fullest expression of myself without apology; because if not then what was the purpose?

All My Love,

Chloe P