A HOLIDAY REFLECTION

This holiday season held so many dualities for me. Time keeps passing and I have surrender and accepted not only the very real reality of the passing of our son Legend but also the fact that it is ok to move forward with my life. Over the course of 5 years I have slowly settled into this understanding ebbing and flowing with the waves of grief, while navigating and creating a new narrative around what it means to live.

For me that new narrative has not been merely to live but to thrive. And with that mantra and embodiment I have moved through feelings of resistance, guilt and purpose. Over the course of 5 years I have learned to welcome discomfort like and old friend using it as a teacher to inform me of areas I can gain deeper understanding while aligning to what feels right within. This Fall season has been so challenging for me; I have been catapulted into dealing with shadows of myself, facing discomfort head on, letting go with relationships that do not serve me, becoming unapologetic in my authenticity and becoming very clear on ways in which I want to show up. I have given myself permission in being ME but in doing so I have also had to stop apologizing for my authenticity, I have had to be honest when I do not have the capacity rather than making some excuse or white lie and revisit my traumas and loss in a way that I never have before.

For the first few months I sat in what felt like some serious “shit”. It was uncomfortable, I questioned every part of my existence and what I was doing. Everything felt rocky and uncertain. The old me would run from this feeling distracting myself with anything that could take my mind off this discomfort. But I have come too far and committed to this evolution even when it hurts. No more excuses, No more ROSE COLORED GLASSSES. I want to see things as they are for what they are. The reality in which we live in is also influenced by our own mind and what we are willing or unwilling to truly see. So much of my previous programming was based on a perception in which I wanted to believe. The last few years that has been unraveling and I have committed to seeing things for what they really are. That includes myself, the excuses I have made for myself, the ways in which I have held myself back and the relationships in which I have fostered.

December 23 this year I was knocked off my foundation, rocked and left breathless. My sons 5 year memorial was on this day. Each year is so different but this year I committed to feeling, feeling the good, feeling the bad and leaning into every state of being with curiosity and acceptance. I have realized I cannot will away pain and suffering and sitting in it is the only way through. I was brought back to my trauma and the very real experience we are on as humans. I was reinstalled with my passion to change the narrative around end of life care as we see it in society and ways we can better support the bereaved.

This holiday season I cleared my calendar and made time for my family. Emotions are heightened all around whether known or not amongst my children and husband. We each grieve differently and allowing time to “BE” together has been the medicine but also the growth and connection we need to grieve but also develop grace and empathy for one another. There were many emotions this holiday season. Many push and pulls of emotions that I think we were all handling in our own way. We feel this immense joy and celebration for Orions life, his first, and watching the world unfold through his eyes. Yet we feel sadness for Legends departure and all the memories we are creating without him physically here. Some of our family unit also did not feel an immense sadness and had expressed guilt or discomfort with not feeling the sadness that I may feel. While I leaned in others resisted their discomfort, and my grieving journey actually became triggering to them. Where I longed for deepening they resisted or wanted to just be and vise versa. Never in our grief have I experienced the polarity that I witnessed this season. Everyone is getting older, forming their own life views and individuality and we really are all in different levels of our evolution and experience. This holiday season was hard in many ways but also just what we needed to understand one another more. Individually we each have our own experience and collectively we really learned more about how we each flow through this season.

The beginning of the break started out a bit rocky but the second half was so healing. It was almost like we climbed this huge mountain individually and just as we were about to reach the peak we grabbed each others hands and helped each other reach the peak. All running hand and hand down the mountain. It gives me chills really to reflect on all that happened in our time together this break. We spent time playing something that prioritized prior to Legends passing. We got back to our roots, being with one another, being amongst company that really filled our cups and really just having fun in the ocean with one another. Orions laughter filled the halls as he ran from room to room calling out for his sisters something we have so missed since Legend passed, and reminded us a little of the joy we had felt and took for granted. I broke this fall season on many occasions, but it was only to reawaken and rebuild into this life we are living now.

For the first time in five years I feel like I am assimilating life of the past to life now. It is different on so many levels but there was so much I just stopped doing and being in Legends wake. Orion has awakened that for us as a family and it has been healing and comforting as we revisit memories of Legend while creating new ones with Orion.

This season has been symbolic of the polarity of life. And while I used to believe that oppositional states of being could not coexist this season has reaffirmed that statement to be untrue. It was hard and uncomfortable for so many reasons but it was also so beautiful, heartening and connecting. Reminding me that so much of what we once believed to be true is only a fraction of all that could be if we just lean in with curiosity.

All my love

Chloe Pestana