What is a death doula?
As too in birth so too in death must we be supported and guided to die peacefully & informed of what is possible and aligned to our overall wellbeing. -Chloe Pestana
It is quite ironic that I am end of life doula . As a child I feared death at all costs and avoided anything that would even begin to resemble its wake. Society has ingrained youth, everlasting beauty and this eternal picture that is so far from the truth. To majority of the populations detriment this has created a society that is death avoidant and unable to even think about death until it is too late.
The only certainty and shared experience amongst all humans is death.
When my son passed Legend passed away suddenly and I held his lifeless vessel in my arms as he slowly drifted beyond form I had felt a synomous feeling to what it felt like birthing him into this world. Yes it was harrowing and heartbreaking but also so sacred. I felt guilt for not even knowing what to do in the moments. Later on I would find myself fighting the guilt that I had felt for being so ill prepared that I did not do certain things during and after his death. I was soo unprepared for any death but the death yet this was my boy, my beautiful baby boy and I felt guilt for not being able to give him the care, the ritual and the time that I had wished in his final moments and those following his departure. I felt alone and ill equipped to handle the enormity of what my reality was in this moment. My mind was fuzzy, my body was numb and there really was no way of making informed decisions much less learning the ins and outs of death and dying during the immense weight of grief.
I wish I had known about an end of life doula, as I feel they would have been able to guide me in the days and weeks to follow. My quest through the end of life doula program was to learn the ways in which it could be different, the different laws and how those laws gave autonomy and power not only to the bereaved but to the family. For adults I learned the importance of an end of life doula as they served as the advocate much like a birth doula does to a mother but in this case the dying. How end of life doulas can help weave in ritual and spiritual practices during and after the persons death so that the bereaved can begin processing their loss in a way that allows them to feel connected to the person that is dying. The roles the end of life doulas play are many and the support offered amongst doulas varies depending on the persons needs.
When I had begun to awaken from the numbness of grief and feel more in my body I began to get curious. I found myself asking questions like: “Is that the only way one can die?” Can there be ritual woven into the end of life experience?” Why are hospital staff not equipped to handle the sudden death of an individual from a humanistic lens rather than just science?” How come hospitals that see death all the time do not have a uniformity in handling the end of life process in a way that supports the person dying and the bereaved?”
This curiosity led me to End Well an end of life conference bringing doctors, nurses, care takers, death workers and everyone in between together to start opening up conversations on what it means to die. I was mind blown to the progressive approach of death. These individuals all got curious, faced the discomfort and reality that we will all one day die and began opening up conversations that are supporting the dying throughout the world. All because they moved beyond their fear to start solving and moving through humanities ultimate fate.
I have had a vision to bring this conversation to the forefront throughout hospitals and implement more human centered emotional informed approaches. I have found that patients, family members and clinicians all suffer from the lack of education and discussion around end of life care and that there is a serious gap in care for all when a person dies. Yes there are hospitals and clinicians doing it but it is not the norm by any means at this point in time. When covid hit it shook most of these efforts up for me but I have recently revisited the idea with enthusiasm and hope for the future of care as it includes end of life care in Hawaii and beyond.
Ultimately the reason this work and the focus on hospitals is soo near and dear to me is because that is the place my son took his last breath, and from everything I have come to learn despite the inevitable outcome, it could have been handled in a way that was more supportive to everyone overall grieving process. This is not to blame the nurses, hospitals or anyone else involved where there is no awareness there cannot be a solution. But now that I know I cannot turn back.
While I have found great meaning in supporting individual families as they transition from this earth beyond I have found that the work I truly desire to do in this space is sharing this message of my personal experience during, after and through death. With the hope and intention that it opens up discussions to what it means to die, the options that are available, the ways in which we can shift the landscape of death care and ultimately how it can be something that although sad and heartbreaking is also seen as beautiful and connecting.
At this time I only take a small amount of clients and am serving the adolescent and parents of dependent children population only. The reason being is because I feel it is where I resonate most with and am most equipped to serve. I can relate as a bereaved mother, as a mother and a parent and want to offer my support to these families exclusively at this time.
If you are wanting to connect with me as a death doula for the above mentioned groups or wanting to collaborate to share this message please reach out by filling out the form below.
Please know by availability as an end of life doula is limited but I will try and connect you with support if you reach out and I am not available.