Life after Death, Love after Grief, Hope after Loss

Sometimes I find myself stopped in my tracks; whether it be ideas, light bulb moments or just a cleansing breathe that sweeps me off my own feet. These moments that come without any warning are as captivating as they are energizing. These moments are what I refer to as my soul moments either guiding me towards, away or are calling for extreme presence in that specific moment. Today was one of those days; where the whole world stopped and in a second I knew that whatever path I was on no matter what I was perceiving it to be was being guided towards something that was meant for me on a soul level. It was as if a voice whispered in my ear to be real, authentic and to share all the unique experiences, feelings, struggles and frustrations I had up until this point. It was a nudge to keep trekking through what feels like deep deep mud because the path I am on is aligned with so much more than what is being perceived. It was a scream to not be afraid, to get up and tell my truths and be open to all that it will encompass. So today as I lie in bed rolling back and forth unable to go to sleep because the words will not stop flowing through me I have cut out time to simply honor the calling to be vulnerable because I truly believe if we follow and trust we will be guided down a path that is aligned with who we are and what we are meant to be. Here it goes

Today as I awake like I do every morning, I am greeted with an inevtiable truth that no matter how time passes it seems that the turn of events in this life have led me to this place. No matter what I do to try and wish them away this is what my life is right here and right now. Ive avoided it in many ways, not writing because all the truths of my soul will pour out, blasting loud music to drown out my thoughts on the way to therapy appointments because I know the second I step foot in that door the hour will solely be dedicated to turning inward. This morning as I awaken I consciously breathe into the reality that I have lost my son but that I am also surviving and thriving in the ways I know best. I breathe deeply because the ability to breathe these days has become monumental, giving me so much life. Some mornings are not as thoughtful, some are hard to just get out of bed and some I find myself immediately switching gears into the here and now. No matter what my morning looks like it always starts with the reality that In this lifetime I will not wake up to my Legend.

If I am to be completely honest; I have been told hundreds of times how strong I am, post and throughout my motherhood years. While I know its a compliment after loosing our son there were times when I just wanted to scream when I heard the word strong! For once in my life I wanted to not feel that I was holding the world up with my broken heart. I wanted to cry and not act like everything would be ok, to hell if I even got out of bed it felt like I climbed Mount Everest. I wanted to crumble into the earth and be swallowed up. How was I supposed to be responsible for anyone when I felt so broken? How would I be a mom to my two children when my heart was shatter? Then I hit a turning point; grief is all encompassing whether you measure it in stages, steps or moods it will continue to surprise you with the way it shows itself. From severe depression, to anger, sadness and even catatonic states. Every emotion that has ever been written as a part of grief I have experienced in a cyclic pattern in varying degrees but from the the time I became a mother I vowed to give motherhood my all. It has never been easy, getting pregnant at the age of 16 (something I rarely talked about because I felt ashamed as if my child would be tarnished by my life choices) making a marriage work and having 3 kids before the age of 24 you could say all odds for divorce and disfunction were on our side and more often then not it felt that way but in all honesty our determination, love and hardwork has gotten us to where we are today.

This life has challenged us in ways I could never have imagined, but it has also granted me the greatest gifts of this world. My turning point came when I awoke from my own catatonic grief and looked into my two daughters eyes and instantly saw their pain. It was in that second I knew I had to throw my mom jeans on, put my hair in a top knot embracing them as we climbed through the trenches of our grief together. During that time we drew incredibly close, sleeping together in the same bed, not really going anywhere without eachother and just holding onto each other so tightly afraid to let go. We talked a lot checking in with each other daily to see what it was the other person was going through our famous quote was; “How’s your heart?” I felt like sometimes my girls wanted to yell back and “Say how the heck do you think my heart is mom, we lost our baby brother!?” Instead they would either shrug signaling they were not in a mood to talk or they would: say ok (which was code for I am trying to be ok with something that feels terribly wrong) or they would pour out their soul often times leaving me speechless at their wisdom and understanding of loss. When they would break down I would break down with them but also dive into their emotions trying not to take too much away from their pain but acknowledging that we were collectively experiencing it together. It took what feels like ages in some sense and not long enough in another to be back into the world. In the time and space of the earth we spent 6 months in serious nesting mode; similar to what some new moms do when their newborn arrives; yet in this case it was in the wake of death. It took almost a year before I could walk into a grocery store by myself without feeling nervous that I would be greeted by a friend who is individually and uniquely empathizing with my loss while imagining being in my own shoes. Slowly I integrated myself back into life, driving for the first time again at 6 months because I could not bear the fact that I no longer would be lifting my son in and out of his carseat or dancing to our favorite songs as we shuttle sissys (as Legend would call them together) to extra curricular activities, run out for errands or adventure to our favorite beach or mountain.

It has been 1 year 7 months and 3 days since my son has passed on from this earth. I do not think there ever will be a day where I am not thinking of him but these days my thoughts are more often than not gratitude for all the beautiful mornings we spent together with him running to the fridge and grabbing an apple. To watching my daughter Koral read him a goodnight story before mom or dad, or watching him and my husband stand on the dock casting their fishing poles eagerly awaiting to reel in a fish or the evening dance parties the four of us would have together, or him going out to our garden to grab sage and basil and using his little herb cutting scissors and helping me cook for his “SISSYS” every night. Legend adored his sisters, there bond was made of something out of this world and when I look into there eyes I see the magic I always saw when I stared into his eyes. The magic that reminds me it is ok to simultaneously feel grief and joy, the magic that has me here in this body but also in another realm, the magic that has pushed me forward and reminded me that our love is not extinguished but rapidly expanding. Without my girls I am not sure if I ever would have been able to see this new existence or get over the hump of loss that can pull you down so far you feel as if you will never surface.When I look in the girls eyes I see Legend’s love, Kaya and Korals bravery, trust and perseverance and each time I accomplished rising from my bed, or the first time I shaved my legs, or drove my car or went grocery shopping; I knew in that moment I was giving them hope and sharing in a love that death could not tear us apart from. I knew in that moment that they were looking to me to be there beacon of light and hope and though Legend had taken a large part of me with him, there was still a large part of me here. That part of me wakes up every morning, trying my very best however large or small that may look and applauding myself for the little things. Our lives are slowly piecing back together in new and old ways and though it never feels easy it feels right with the soul.

“A path unknown to the adventurer led in a belief that if you follow your heart the rest will fall into place. This is life after death, this is love after grief, hope after loss. This is chasing the adventure when the path seems to have fallen to pieces. This is ebbing and flowing with the tides of life. What a journey it has been, what a journey it will be, if only you trust.” -Chloe Pestana

XX

Chloe Pestana

Photographed by: Kicking Bird Photography (Pekuna Hong)