Live Bravely Love Fiercely
Christmas this year came with a deep resistance. My body literally tensed in places I did not know could tense. My aversion to grocery stores to avoid the holiday cheer became my main goal for the day. Then in an instant Kaya and Koral’s immense joy and excitement beaming from their little faces shifted my perspective and opened my eyes to what it means to LIVE in the wake of loss. My deep resistance was to an overwhelming sense of uncomfortability I feel when the month of his passing rolls around. It is odd how humans resist things that are so uncomfortable or we choose situations that don’t cause us to feel pain out of fear of what emotions will be brought up. It seems that when you loose someone the amount of pain you will eventually face will either eat you alive or give way to something far greater than you could have imagined. It seems unnatural that anything amazing could even rise from loss and to be quite honest it has taken me awhile to not feel guilt for what has been manifesting in my life. When you loose a loved one its like you feel this initial responsibility to pause time, to not live on, to not burst into a confetti of love and joy because HOW CAN LOVE, JOY AND HEARTACHE CO-EXIST? It has taken me awhile to step into even a glimmer of my light after Legend passed out of my own guilt. It was not until I watched my girls faces light up with this unexplainable joy this holidays season that I realized LOVE, LAUGHTER AND JOY can Co-Exist with heartache and loss. Being uncomfortable is not a means to run, hide or succumb to but merely a push to rise above, around and between. Not because its easy but because like anything in life that requires your best foot forward also puts forth the best version of you. It was in the way the girls innocently counted down the days until Christmas, or laughed watching their favorite Christmas movies that I realized traditions can keep memories of the past alive and that honoring life does not mean we are not honoring death.
Grief is an unpredictable, plethora of emotions as it is; throw in 4 humans grieving and I would say you have a recipe for an emotional tornado at any given moment. The interesting part of it all is that despite the sudden change in our lives and upheaval of all we knew to be true, our children’s light and overflowing joy for living has kept the climate mostly tornado free and full of glimmers of laughter and happiness. It is pretty incredible how two young children intuitively know that you can ebb and flow through joy and pain, love and heartache sadness and laughter, loss and abundance without having to have one or the other. Instead they are able to feel and accept both opposing feelings together flowing in synchronicity. Maybe it is the reason that those who suffer through loss, heartbreak, disease and tragedy and rise from adversity are able to go on and do great things. Not because they are free from pain but because they have learned that pain and joy can be felt together in a way that fuels passion, drive and meaning in this world. These past couple years have pulled me in every direction, made me question the existence of human beings, broke me open to parts of me that had been forgotten and unfurled a love and passion that has re awoken me to what it means to truly be ALIVE.
As the old saying goes: “No Rain no Rainbows.” It seems true now more than ever that these experiences and challenges we are thrown in life are not an invitation to have self pity but instead an opportunity to crack open and grow. Not because it will be easy; no life worth living comes easily and no love worth loving comes without challenges. Instead it creates color, teaches new lessons, evolves the spirit and elevates the soul. A year ago if someone were to tell me I was strong one more time I would have cringed or tuned out the statement completely. Partly due to the fact that my confidence in my strength was wavering but also because I was not ready to fiercely live in the wake of Legends loss. Breathing, loving my girls and performing tasks I did daily had become easier for me. It was the inquiry into what lay in and all around my heart after it had been broken that I was not ready for.
I am not sure what shifted my focus to the parts of me that were contained in my heart but I know the commitment to live bravely and love fiercely started when I lay screaming in a pasture next to cows in New Zealand wondering “WHY ME”? It is funny how time has this way of shifting perspectives when we allow space for it. What was once seen as something done to me I now see it as a part of who I am today. This loss is huge, not because I am a mother grieving a child but because love is the most profound, amazing, intimate, sacred connection we will ever have and the death of a loved one causes any loss of that magnitude to feel unfathomable and unnatural. Daily, people are kissing loved ones for the last time, daily people are walking around with an emptiness that can never be replaced, I am not unique to loss. The medicine to that jagged reality is not to succumb to the emptiness that is felt but to rise through the cracks and grow. Not because this is something you wished for, or the climate is favoring your growth but because this life is yours and yours alone and what an honor it is to live bravely and love fiercely.
I chose to put my best foot forward this Christmas, not because it was easy but because it felt right to honor Legends life while honoring the life Kaya, Koral, Nick and I are all still living. It required me to go into my broken heart and sit with parts of me I had not sat with for a long time. It required me to communicate more than I have ever communicated in my life. But it gave me so much in return. The gift of presence, the joy of what it feels like to celebrate family, love and traditions. It reminded me time and time again the joys in being their mom and the eternal love we all share. Legend’s physical form may have left us but his spirit lies in living these moments. In order for me to LIVE IN MY LIGHT it requires me to live bravely and love Fiercely even in the instances that I am wanting to run! It is within these spaces that I am broken open into all I was, all I am and all I will become.
May you always remember that you can feel pain and joy, love and heartache, abundance and loss simultaneously and may you know that this is all part of what it means to Live Bravely and Love fiercely.
Love and Light
Chloé Pestana