Opposing States of Being
At times I feel this overpowering, non-existent state similar to what I may imagine drowning to feel like. It fills every part of my being glamorizing the depths of its despair. Surrendering to this feels easier at times as the work going into hanging on can feel far to challenging of a task. But in the depths of drowning light is always present and you are reminded of the light that walks amongst you daily.
Loosing a child has so many different states of being that accompany loss but it is this ever present drowning that is always in the back pocket or looming over head. This constant feeling of not wanting any of this to continue yet the sun rises and falls daily unapologetically. Today its been two years and what may seem like tomorrow will be three but what is time when you have lost so much?
Death has taken so much but oddly opened me up to so much. Forever living amongst opposing states of being and feeling. It has Taken away my peace but instilled me with a peace that is not dependent on external circumstances. Death has taken away a physical sense of love but opened me up to a love deeper than I could have imagined. Death has taken away my naivety and replaced itself with depth that at times hurts to dive into. Death has hardened me in some ways and softened me in others, it has filled my being with intensity yet infused my heart with compassion. Death has shown me the pain in longing for someone whose gone forever yet opened me up to eternal love the spans beyond this lifetime. Death has challenged everything I know, death has challenged everything I have felt and learned, death has broken me open and shattered my understanding of the world and what it means to live.
“I ENVY THE GIRL WHOSE SMILE WAS JUST THAT. A SMILE….”
So today I am here living amongst this loss pineing for my son and the life we were supposed to have together while simultaneously forging a new relationship that cannot be seen. Today I am here resenting the innocence it has taken from my girls while marveling at the strength and love that has grown in the midst of loss. Today I am angry, angry that I have been numb for the past 2 years of my daughters life, angry that I cannot hold my boy and run through open fields holding his hand yet grateful for the time we all shared and the moments we spend presently. Today I am here, breaking open and doing the work while wanting to run in the opposite direction. I miss the familiarity of my life before, I miss the smiles that were just that SMILES. I miss the laughter that was not tinged with sadness. I miss how light it felt to live amongst those I love. If there is one thing I could tell my younger self it would be: The problems, heartache and challenges you are facing are of no importance. What is important is this moment right here right now and really the only certainty you have is right here right now.
While I am no longer who I was before my son died, I have grown in the midst of things I never would have imagined I could grow through. I have loved deeper, broken open and been more brave then I ever thought was capable. I miss the Mom I was yet I am so proud of myself for who I am evolving into. I miss the time shared but I am learning how to flow with this new new and though it feels overwhelming at times, I know this is the journey I am set to walk, learn, love and grow through.
I have learned that these life shaking challenges are invitations to grow in ways never thought possible. I have learned that love grows amongst loss, anger can be accompanied by compassion and drowning and swimming go hand in hand. Sometimes one state of being is dominant but its the ebb and flow, the journey through the unknown. It is the acknowledgment of this incarnation and the commitment to do the work despite the pain. The greatest love I have ever felt is in the midst of pain, the greatest gratitude I have felt is in the midst of loss. Its these feelings that we think cannot mesh that actually give depth to this life and the love that is shared throughout this time and space.
May you feel peace in pockets of chaos, love in the midst of heartbreak, compassion in the wake of anger and light in the darkest of times. I promise these states can coexist and I even challenge you to imagine them giving more depth and color to a life you feel you have all figured out!
XX,
Chloé Pestana