LIVING WITH GRIEF TIPS

Last week my friend Emily Bingham and I hosted an Instagram LIVE chatting about grief. Emily and I met last year at a New Years party in Kailua and while talking realized we had both experienced life changing losses. She had lost her husband nine months prior and had this look in her eyes I am all too familiar with. What I love about Emily is how real, raw and brave she is to not harden from the loss of her husband Ian’s death. She shares the same curiosity and inquiry as me into what it means to find your feet again when the world around you has stopped. Though our losses are different in relation and circumstance we share the same desire to move through loss, learn to “LIVE” with grief and create a new normal, not to forget but to honor the life Ian and Legend lived and share the very essence of who they were to us and those that loved them.

Since we met back in December Emily and I have kept in touch. With the current state of the world and the global pandemic I reached out to Emily to see if she would want to do a live talking about grief. The ways in which she has moved through her grief have really resonated with me and I thought what better a time than now! Throughout our conversation we both shared our experiences and the relevancy of living with grief and the things that have helped us thus far. Most call the action of continuing on “COPING”, yet we felt this word did not do the actual movement through loss much justice. We found that the immense pain felt shortly after loosing someone can evolve in to this immense love and gratitude. We both agreed the word “COPING” seemed mediocre and did not allow for the variation of emotions and lessons both learned and felt in the wake of loss. I feel the evolution of grief is lifelong and not linear in any shape or form. It is more of this EBB AND FLOW that is experienced throughout ones life. Coping felt like something that was expected after loss while Living with Grief feels more like an acceptance to be and explore the myriad of emotions felt.

Our Living with Grief tips are guide based on our experience and in no way are how things are supposed to be. As I have learned throughout my journey thus far there are no right or wrong ways to grieve and this list is forever fluid.

Heres a list of my top tips:

BE: Be Gracious With Yourself. Do not hold yourself to expectations. Each moment feels different give yourself permission to just be with whatever you are feeling right now in this moment.

MOVE: Whether you are doing vigorous movements to reset your nervous system or lying in Childs pose. The types of movement you do are not what matters. What matters is the physical act of moving energy in, out and all around when you feel the need to move. It is a reset for the mind, a reset for the nervous system and a reset for the soul.

BREATHE: Some days breathing may be all you can manage doing. Belly breathing for anxiety or equal inhale and exhales to regroup .Finding your breathe soothes the nervous system, quiets the mind and reconnects you to the present moment. (You can watch my instagram story on Breath by going to @chloepestana to learn a breathing exercise I do when I am anxious.)

SUPPORT: Social Support is the magic and healing within loss. The amount of support received is not as important as the quality. Having someone who you can confide in, be vulnerable with and lean on is pivotal to moving through loss.

INTIMACY: Not the type of intimacy we equate to having a partner. The type of intimacy that is birthed from being able to express your most vulnerable feelings and experiences with. This intimacy creates the very connection our souls crave to move through loss. This intimacy can be from a friend, a partner, a death doula, a therapist or anyone who you feel you can connect and share this part of yourself with.

EXPRESS: Whether you are having to pullover and cry or you are visualizing creating something from your sorrow. There are no rules to what allowing yourself to express needs to look like. You may be surprised to find out that some of the most beautiful and moving creations were created from places of immense sorrow and loss.

LET GO: Often times we hold on to futures we wished we had, plans that will never come to fruition or expectations we may have even held for ourselves. Part of the lesson in loss is that there really is no such thing as control. You do not have to like that truth but when you acknowledge that truth and bring awareness to that space, you allow yourself to move past the weight of what was beyond your control.

**To get tips on moving through grief from Emily you can head over to her blog by clicking here.

I hope these offer a semblance of peace or a pocket of relief during these times.

So Much Love and Light

XX

Chloé Pestana