There Is No Right or Wrong Way to Grieve
Isn’t it interesting that as a society we are told to behave or act a certain way? So much so that this norm is infused into loss and grief. What I am here to tell you is this:
“THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE.”
Yes I said it!!! The idea that this experience is linear is completely false. Throw out every book that tells you otherwise and say NO THANKS to any advice that is not in agreement with this.
So what about extreme depression post loss, you may ask? I am no doctor and some may say I don’t have the merit to advise but I have walked through the throngs of loss and spoken with bereaved wives, husbands, parents and children and I am here to tell you that much of the unhealthy behaviors that can accompany loss are either entirely or partially due to the fact that we are not a death positive society and we do not allow anything to BE.
What does “TO BE” MEAN? Well it means just that: to be.
To be uncomfortable.
To be sad.
To be Afraid.
To be numb.
To be angry
To be Happy.
To be lost.
TO BE OK NOT BEING OK!
It is very similar to the practice of meditation: you acknowledge the feelings that are arising in you without grabbing tightly or identifying with the current STATE OF BEING. Loss will throw you into so many different emotions that it may look like you are an emotional rollercoaster to an outsider but guess what: THAT IS OK! Rome was never built over night and neither will your heart repair quickly in the days ahead. Your heart will grow in a new way and will take time to blossom. When you are gentle on yourself, when you allow yourself to acknowledge your current emotional state and then watch it pass through you rather than become you, you are kindly saying: I see you, I honor you, You are doing Hard things, You are showing up and that is hard. This is what it means to be gracious with yourself. This is what it means to allow yourself to BE.
It will never look the same for any one person so why put expectations on how it should look? You want to get lost in work, go for it! Do you want to lay in bed all day? Do it! Do you want to work out 3 times a day? Why not? Do you want to be sad and cry till your eyes are swollen? ALLOW IT! Just remember that however you are feeling in the moment or from day to day is ok.
I am so tired of everything in life being pressured, from kids having to be signed up for multiple activities, to Moms who are comparing who does more(STAY AT HOME MOMS VS WORKING MOMS)… ENOUGH IS ENOUGH…. AND IM HERE TO TELL YOU TO GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO JUST BE HOWEVER FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!
Grief doesn’t need self judgment, it needs grace and I hope that through your journey through life you will allow yourself the grace to be because it is in the state of BEING that you are able to heal.
And if you forget repeat this MANTRA TO YOURSELF, OR YELL IT OUT LOUD:
“I’M DOING HARD THINGS, IM SHOWING UP IN THE WAYS I KNOW BEST, I CAN DO HARD THINGS, I CAN LET MYSELF BE. I CAN GIVE MYSELF GRACE BECAUSE THIS IS HARD, BUT THIS TOO SHALL PASS.”
ALL MY LOVE,
Chloé Pestana