Living, Grieving & Navigating life Beyond Loss

As I hold his hand in mine I feel the present heartbeats. The ones that bring me back into the moment, the sensation, the feeling of his hand in mine. Each beat is distinctly rhythmic, bringing me back to the current moment. His slow and steady mine is trying to find its cadence. Trying to find peace in the moment, to bring myself into the now while letting go of all that is swirling around in my head.  I take a deep inhale and feel so much gratitude at this moment. Gratitude that I can feel the warmth of my son’s body and that his heart is working as it should; a gruesome recognition that I only arrived at by my son Legend dying. 

My jaw is clenched, an ephemeral reminder that despite all this internal healing the memories of a deeply dysregulated childhood can arise at any time and are rampant when I am met with the reality and fragility of life. Our heartbeats begin to sync, calming the storm that resides within me, the one that lies just below the surface. I have spent so much time and energy healing pain that had nothing to do with my loss while also navigating what it means to ride the waves of this trauma. I feel another wave of anxiousness just under my skin, heart quickening, muscles tensing. Behind the physical sensations lies a humbling of the fragility of life ever present in the reminder that each heartbeat is a mystery. That the first beat and the last beat are occurrences that hold so much ambiguity. Even with my experiences of death, of losing a child, of unpacking what it means to live so I can deeply understand what it means to die; I balance between being oddly comfortable with my eventual fate and triggered by the temporary nature of this life. 

Soften, soften, soften A mantra I whisper quietly to myself to soften and recalibrate into the safety of my own being. To find comfort in my body, in my existence to find the quiet when the world outside is taunting me. Thoughts, ideas and  words that string together more eloquently in the wanderings and quiet of my mind begin to take form.  Quickly my mind is wandering down a lucid imaging. I am awake but transported somewhere that is not this moment. Maybe it is because I am teetering between peace in this moment, in the real and raw life that I feel so deeply while feeling his heartbeat and fear of how it could all vanish in a second. A terrifying truth that spirals my nervous system down a chaotic path when I indulge in the what ifs. This moment that I would distinctly depict as a balance between peace and trauma, another test of life that rubs upon your deepest wounds challenging the limits in which I once knew. I imagine my fingers every single one of them adorned in rings of different textures, styles and sizes. An unfamiliar vision but one that feels so familiar. Instantly I feel this desire to adorn my fingers in vintage artifacts of the past. In my quest to find meaning in all the nuances I string together the meanings of these rings of different shapes, colors, sizes on my fingers. The nostalgia I feel in once loved artifacts. From as far back as I can remember I would roam vintage second hand stores using all my money earned to buy vintage jewelry, Lucite rings, turquoise and semi precious stones. It was the romanticizing of each worn artifact that I fell in love with. The untold stories, the untold lives, the untold romances and heartbreaks. The energy each piece held was intriguing and it was the mystery of it all; the presence of a story not told but felt that captivated me. I used to imagine the places these rings went, the lives they had witnessed. A beautiful mystery that transcends language time and space. 

Quickly I am brought back to the current moment as my son rustles to find comfort; in this very moment. For a second I  grip his hand a little tighter than usual almost as a cry that I don't ever want to let go. My trauma playing out in real life. My mind wanders past the imaginations of a totally off kilter topic that distracts me from the balance in which I am so delicately walking. As I lie in bed next to my son, finding relief that he made it past 3.5 years and wondering if my body could find relaxation now I cannot help but wonder, if the nostalgia of imaging these rings is the medicine to my nervous system. The mind can torture you if you allow it to and I have felt like I have Been holding my breath for the last 2 months. Holding my breath wondering if I am going to have to relive losing another child. Logically it makes no sense at all, but my son Legends passing never made sense logically in the framework of life. As a grieving mom, I have felt at the edge of my seat counting down the days until my son Orion makes it past the age my son Legend did when he passed.

For months I have been massaging my shoulders, mentally telling myself to relax and breathe, and yet the day where he surpassed three and half came, a day my son Legend never made it past and I feel maybe a tiny bit more at ease. I thought I would be able to relax completely when Orion surpassed Legends age, because although it makes no sense at all, my mind has convinced me that if I get past 3.5 years old I can relax into the tenderness of the world. What I have come to recognize is that the pain and trauma have carved deep markings in my existence. On one hand they are comforting in that they are reminders of the “realness” of Legends life lived, yet on the other hand they are all encompassing in that they can be triggered at any time making me a servant to the wave of emotions. Discovering how to put it all down, how to realign the nervous system and calm the waters. What I have come to understand is that no time mark will ever release me from the weight of this loss rather the medicine to soothe the soul, and calm the waters lives in the life lived. Walking through the fire again and again, and finding ways to process, soothe and comfort my soul until those challenges no longer trigger the mind, body and heart again and again. I am not sure if it ever goes away, but I am sure that if I continue to walk into the fire rather than suppress it I will grow stronger and become more equipped to handle the anxiousness that is triggered by the pain.

In my deep desire to find relief and not swirl down a path of fearing that my son Orion may leave me I forge ahead with each moment trying to find balance in it all. So that with time I can sit in the beauty of the moment without being tormented by the torture of harrowing possibilities. In this instance it was the daydreaming of rings on all my fingers. They make me feel aligned, adventurous, connected,unstoppable. It is in this moment I recognize the connection the symbolism. My fear, this dysregulation that I feel within stems from losing someone I love and my medicine in this beautiful yet triggering moment becomes connecting back to the imagining of lives that live within these rings I am envisioning. At this moment I am offered a brief window of relief. Yet it is in the search for more depth that it is revealed that this is no coincidence rather a divine placement. My imaginings serve as a reminder that despite the death of physical form, the energy and spirit lives beyond the form. I felt it deeply in my existence when I saw that imaging of my hands with those vintage rings. I felt the strength, the love, the perseverance, the years endured, the triumphs, the sadness of all the humans who had worn these rings before. These women and men whom I don't know, these rings I have never seen, and yet I feel the connection and spirit that transcends time and logic. It is a reminder that although the fear of losing a child again will arise throughout my life again and again. I can find peace in knowing love never dies, a souls journey is eternal. I can find relief in the deep imaging of connecting to something greater than myself. So I rest my head next to my son. Holding his hand in mine. Whispering I love you again and again in his ears. Intentionally slowing down my breathing, to match the frequency of relaxation being mindful that my energy can awaken his resting peaceful little self. I close my eyes and relax into this moment. Not because tomorrow is promised, or because today's problems have been solved. No, those are all still there rather it is because I know, beyond the trivial matters of this life there lies a deep connection woven together by love. And that love gives me enough comfort and bravery to live in the present moment, and let go of all the worries of tomorrow. What a blessing and gift it is to truly be present, and hold the duality of life with curiosity and grace.