LIFE UNEDITED.
Have you ever felt moved: like chicken skin (goosebumps), surge of energy and excitement deep in your veins? I can remember feeling this way quite often throughout my childhood and into my adult years. Whether it was during the OLI at May Day, watching a friend get married, experiencing all the first with the kids, or feeling in alignment with my creativity.
Truth is loss was the catalyst for a full sensory shut down within me. In the early days, weeks, months and years I felt so numb but had zero awareness that I was literally shut down. In reflecting back and being 6 years post loss there were so many things that I can thread back to grief. From the ways I perceived things to be, to the lack of interest to engage with so many things and people in life. Yes I have had amazing moments, celebrated so many new firsts, created a business and dove deeply into life post loss but I have also realized that I have pushed beyond certain things that needed my attention or awareness. That I have ignored and not properly grieved the fact that I have not been able to show up for certain people and things in ways I desire. That my grief though 6 years post loss is still seeping into parts of my life and has vastly changed who I am. I am not sure I have grieved who I was, though I know I have recently become reaquainted with her. (And that is a whole other blog post at looking at yourself for what you truly are flaws and all and forgiving and loving yourself through it.) I get annoyed with myself at times like gosh this is a never ending “excuse” for my life. Yet when I sit in my knowing I remind myself that GRIEF IS LITERALLY FOREVER. I recognize to some that my stories always being threaded back to grief may feel like a lot, and believe me I feel annoyed and overwhelmed at times too. But for whatever reason this is my life’s journey and to ignore the truth of my story would be to really ignore the experience of life.
I am forever changed and forever grieving because I have forever made a choice to walk beyond my loss.
Not to be consumed by it rather to live around it, and since it is such a huge part of my existence and shapes everything from the time of loss forward it will forever be apart of my story. Though I thought I had fully accepted it, parts of me had not.
Learning to own and accept that rather than minimize that has allowed me to feel relieved and in alignment with my truth. It has healed other parts of my past wounding that have told me I need to be less in order to fit in. It has allowed me to accept that I have never really fit in and love all the weird parts of my existence. It has allowed me to speak my truth so that hopefully others can speak theirs. So that the bereaved do not have to feel weird, guilty or alone for grieving for the rest of their life. So that the bereaved can feel like they can share stories of their loved ones and also their experience post loss without feeling like they are replaying some sad love story.
Loss is and will forever be sad but that really is just one small aspect of a huge unfolding.
For years I was unsure of how to answer the question: how do I support someone grieving? And I am currently writing about it from my perspective as a bereaved mama. But really in short its to check yourself at the door. Can you sit with someone in discomfort and not try and fill the room with words or conversation to placate your discomfort? In the days weeks and months following that is what is needed most and often times what cannot be offered.
In my pause from pushing for things to come to fruition I have stopped to listen to a few truths that I have been avidly avoiding.
First one being: Not acknowledging certain aspects of my experience post loss does not mean they still do not exist. For instance the fact that the ability to feel moved at a cellular level is a lot further apart since the departure of my son. Partly because a part of me continues to be shut down in order to navigate life without feeling the intensity and partly because like when your legs get pins and needles and fall asleep parts of me are still waking up.(GRACE) And the truth in it all is THAT IS OK. But now that I am aware of my coping mechanisms and I recognize they are not all serving me and my growth, dreams, and work on this planet I need to shift make adjustments, and do things a little differently.
Throughout my life I have always been guided by my Na’au (gut). A little voice guiding me. Sometimes I listen, other times I do not. Sometimes it screams, other times it whispers. In my loss I have learned to cope with my grief by staying busy. But that Busi-ness is a double edged sword. The busier I get the less connected I feel to Legend, to my guides, to my Na’au. The noise of filling my plate beyond capacity drowns out the signs, the whispers and even the screams and really steals my awareness. This busy-ness is self imposed and one I recognize has been a huge part of what I thought to be “moving through” loss. Yet this busy-ness has also pulled me farther away from the whispers that guide me and also developing a language beyond flesh to connect me back to Legend. It has also made excuses for me not writing, not following part of what I know to be gift and service in this lifetime. It has allowed me to let the voices of “do you know how hard it is to be a writer?” “You need to grow a social media platform in order to write a book.” “You cannot just sit and write a book, do you know how many people desire that?” for far too long. And because of this negative self talk I have pushed In other areas even when I know its mismanaged energy channels. Do not get me wrong: I enjoy what I have been doing mentoring, energy work, sound healings, breathwork etc, but constant push of busying myself in these areas without making time for the magic, the inner whispers, the knowing has had me feeling frustrated, burnout and questioning everything.
This past year I have pushed hard at building my business, putting energy and effort in the BUSY-NESS of my work and life. Yet there have been little whispers along the way; reminding me of my gifts. Little back story: as a child I would write for fun spending hours and hours filling up composition books with imaginary places and events. As I got older every emotion that felt too big went in my journal. When ever life felt bigger than me I would write about it, whenever words flowed I would write them down. Since I was little I have always said Im going to write a book. Since Legend left this earth I felt it knocking and sometimes pounding at my door, friends and strangers connecting on shared emotions, feeling seen, less alone and finding hope in words that truly were just guided through me. Yet my own self doubts had me never 100% committed to the magic and unfolding of life, to the craft and skill that I have always known lies within. And even though I have not stopped writing I have not exactly committed to it either. That lack of being 100% in comes from a place of self doubt and pain that started in my childhood and until recently I have not been ready to dive deeper into that. To love and nurture and rewrite narratives and disown stories that were never mine. To recognize that the fear of being so vulnerable has really held me back my entire life.
Over the past few months I have slowed down my work pace primarily to have time to spend with my kids on summer vacation. But the universe slowed me down to see what lies deeper. In doing so those whispers have become more audible and apparent and every time I keep pushing beyond I am hit flat or left with dead ends. I have felt emotionally depleted and so lost because I have felt like I have failed. You can only fail if you quit and what my guides have reminded me is that by ignoring what I know and expending 99% of my life force energy to “busy” myself is what has left me feeling like I have failed. I have only been redirected and because of my willingness to look at that truth I am able to correct and course adjust. If I continue drowning out the guided whispers I will be met with a really loud roadblock or scream and since I have done this all too many times throughout my life I have decided to surrender.
In this surrender I have realized that my fears are all created within my mind. Some rooted in old stories like: you are not worthy. Some rooted in self doubt, some rooted in societal expectations. Yet in reflecting on what I have walked myself through in the last 6 years I recognize that I have stared my fears in the face time and time again only to use them as my fuel. I have recognized the energy used to convince myself: I’ll commit to my writing but only when I feel I am qualified, or have reached XYZ is total hogwash. I have recognized that I have gone against my inner knowing based on “how its supposed to be done” and I have found that the more I reject my own guidance the less in alignment I feel; the less ME I feel.. So I am canceling out all the naysayers and tuning out “HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE even if it sounds crazy. I am committing to the work and dedication that is needed in order to follow this path that is so much greater than myself.
I am 100% committing to this work of my life, trusting my guides, surrendering to the unknown and sharing authentically from my heart. It really is a new phase of my evolution, changed forever by my loss, infused with grief but so much more than just loss.
For now my writing is just whatever feels right, feels aligned and lights me up. Feel free to join me on this continual unfolding, share with your friends because I do not desire to live within the boxes of social media and because I desire to have the magic of this life unfold naturally through the connections made. So if this lights you up, if someone comes to your mind while reading any of my posts share with them. The experience of life is truly meant to be shared so that we all feel less alone, less out of place. I know through my own personal experience that grace is given to yourself only when there is a permission within; sometimes that permission comes from recognizing the stories and expectations we play in our own heads are really just a bunch of BS. I also love connecting directly hearing your stories so if you want to connect more email me.
I am excited to write more, to connect in new ways and to watch the magic unfold as it was intended too. Not something any of us could anticipate yet something beyond the imagination. I believe in this notion and have always felt most at home within this sort of energy. I know it is possible beyond logic and accessible to all. It really just takes getting out of your head, quieting the chatter and following that little nudge or voice inside even if it doesn’t seem logical.