Transitions in Life
School arrived later this year. Later in the sense that virtually I could still have my girls under one roof yet learning. It was not ideal in any way shape or form for their development or growth yet we seemed to find the silver lining in the experience and I grew accustom to having them super close. These past 6 months have been stressful, eye opening and heart shifting. I have learned so much about myself and the meaning of what balance truly is in our household. In some ways having my kids at home for this period of time had me reminiscing on their younger years when days were open and free and the world revolved solely around being their mom. Parenting toddlers and young ones is 24/7 every second of every day because most of their needs need assistance from MOM or Dad. It is all encompassing but only a BLIP in time one that I cannot believe I have so quickly transitioned out of. Often times parents tell me I CANNOT WAIT until my kids can be a bit more independent and while there are so many gifts in that, I cannot stress the importance of enjoying this moment of 24/7 hugs, wiping bogey noses because you are their everything. Never again will your child need or want you as much as they do right now!
Many things in life are filled with transitions, ones that ease us into the next stage of life and groom us for what’s to come. Legend’s loss kind of robbed that from us as a family and I feel like I have spent the last 2 and some years just trying to catch up to the change. When he passed my girls were 7 and 9 I believe and though they were more independent then a 5 year old they still stayed close to home and needed me for most of their day. I also had Legend who was a toddler who required me every second of the day, we played, we napped we ate but our days agenda vastly revolved around the 3 of them. Upon his passing time froze, Kaya stayed 9 and Koral stayed 7 in my mind. The energy drastically changed, the evening bath times were much quieter and I seemed to have more time to sit. It was not the welcomed free time rather it was abrupt, unprepared and unsettling. I have spent the last 2 and some years trying to find comfort in the change and every time I do my kids just get a year old and more independent.
My oldest daughter is in middle school this year, a time I remember as being extremely confusing, overwhelming and awkward. I watch her step into it with such grace and with a curiosity and confidence that I wish I had at that age. She is exploring her independence, identity and place in the world. It is beautiful and so expected yet for me it is challenging on so many levels. Not because I don’t trust her but because when you have lost a child you have tasted the worst, and that fear is so strong it can make you want to put all your children in a bubble and never let them leave your side. I have learned through meditation and deep relaxation to discern between fears and beliefs and I am actively practicing making decisions that are based in belief rather than fear. My girls are so patient with me and understanding, often times making remarks like: “its ok mom we know you are worried because of Legend".” In alot of ways they are guiding me, easing me into these changes and patiently waiting for me to be ready.
Being a bereaved parent changes you, parts of my story seep into every part of my life, and while I would like to think that this tragedy is shaping me into the person I am here to be I am also only human, with human thoughts, fears, worries and hopes. I think it is natural to be afraid, but the work really lies in the ability to move past our fears rather than allowing them to own us.
So here I am after dropping my eldest off to her first day of middle school at a new school much farther from home than we are used to…
Am I Afraid? Yes!!!! But I am also excited for all that lies ahead for my girls, because though our experience is not USUAL in most senses, it is our story. As a mommy my biggest hope and dream for them is that they can explore their passions and be Happy. My fear is not theirs to own but my own to overcome and each day I am afforded opportunities to move past my own challenges and breathe life into those uncomfortable spaces.
Fear can debilitate us, and skew our perception, this time in life I am actively learning to not let me fears guide me. It is hard and I do not always succeed but I think that if you make conscious efforts to be intentional in your thoughts actions and decisions you will be guided down a path of purpose and those around will benefit greatly.
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Chloe Pestana