Birth Story Part 1

The universe works in divine and unexpected ways welcoming in, ushering out and pushing forward as it aligns with the greater plan. Acceptance and Grace; two words that have become a safety net in my life. The acceptance to just let go of whatever is beyond my control and the ability to give myself for grace every time I feel I fall short. Pregnancy after loss was a completely foreign experience for me. Only now am I able to reflect on the past nine months and understand that my “in denial” mood was a response to the loss of our son and my inability or resistance to processing all my emotions. Looking back I now know that I was in denial because I was afraid. Afraid of the outcome, afraid of miscarrying, afraid of loosing another child let alone loving and being responsible for another human being. Guilt as to what it meant to love another after loss. Afraid of what it would mean if we had another boy. So many emotions all of which I was mentally unable to process because my focus was grow a healthy baby. I was not able to step into the curiosity of my grief or process the new emotions that were arising before me because I was afraid of what that would bring up emotionally for me.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I repeatedly would say how it was ok if baby came a little late. Deep down I was wanting a little more time; to prepare mentally, to arrange my life “just perfectly”. We all know how “perfect” is not achievable in any aspect of life. Life is messy and so far from perfect. Yet I clung to control, worked up until the last week of my due date and continued my schooling as if this baby was coming but only when I was ready. June 25th our babies due date rolls around and although I had been contracting on and off baby was not ready to make its entry into the world and mentally I was not either. I wavered on the edge of acceptance and resistance and I know the reason I went past my due date was because of this. I had everything mapped in my head: If my OB were off island I was going to have a home birth otherwise I would labor at home and go in to push the baby out, unless I changed my mind mid labor and wanted to stay home. I had every worst case scenario planned in my head even my own death which I would joke about to friends and family (which they would tell me to stop talking about immediately emphasizing how ridiculous I was being). Truth is I have become really comfortable with death and see it as a continuation of life. The same bridge we birth from is the same bridge we exit out of this world onto. Life and death are natural conversations to me now. I realize the discomfort most get when considering their death or the death of a loved one which would explain others discomfort with my nonchalant take on life and death. This pregnancy was just so different in that I was working in the death realm while growing a new life. This babies soul came from the realm that my clients loved ones just entered yet we feel such opposing emotions. This paradox was the theme of this pregnancy. Happy for this new journey but sad for what is not. It feels as if my mind and heart continually live in this paradox of opposing states of being. Immense joy and gratitude while the heaviness that grief carries throughout life.

My main concern this pregnancy was the health of the baby and making sure that whatever way this baby came into the world I would have no regrets or guilty feelings. I had no real definitive plan but I knew I was fragile. The beeps and noises at the hospital or the sound of sirens could set me off anytime to just say forget it I am having a home birth. I also knew that if anything happened during a home birth that could have possibly been prevented would leave me with a forever guilt that I may not be able to come around from. Either way I came to this revelation that there really was no guarantee and that the racing of thoughts and scenarios was spinning me out more than it was providing comfort or assurance. Whether I chose a hospital birth or a home birth all my worries and fears wouldn’t be answered because there is always a bit of mystery, magic and uncertainty in the unknown. Looking at this narrative now I am able to see that both situations require a level of completely letting go because both situations are far beyond my control. Going past my gestational due date I believe was partially because of my resistance or fear that I needed to let go of before I could welcome this new life into the world.

End of June rolls around and I am still very pregnant, the talk of inducing me is continually mentioned at all my doctors visits. I don’t want to be induced but also want the baby to be safe and healthy. Reluctantly, I agree to the latest date the doctor is comfortable with. I consciously begin to prepare to slowly nudge baby into the world. June was when I really began connecting, accepting and letting go of all that is, was and will not be prior to the arrival. We walked, hiked, rested and gently talked to baby about coming so we did not have to have an induction. Contractions were still on and off but there was no real sign that baby was coming. I began to let go of: the maybe baby will come today and just focus on preparing my mind and body for babies arrival.

July second arrives and the talks of induction are no longer talks but a scheduled date that has been made. The charge nurse calls to tell me of current protocol for induction, reminding me of the current state the world is in (COVID ERA). I am reminded of how far we have moved from connection and humanity and how fear has seeped its way into almost every opportunity to bond and connect. After speaking with the charge nurse I get off the phone and cry. I have a moment of frustration with my body and begin to question my bodies own design, “WHY WAS IT NOT DOING WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO DO?!” In desperation I had 2 acupuncture appointments in a 24 hour span to help induce labor. I threw in the towel and had been getting my membranes stripped for 3 days in a row and I was determined that baby was going to come out without the induction. After my acupuncture appointment I get a call from a neighbor. The house directly behind me no more than 20 feet away from my house was up in flames. I immediately rush home, any head way made in laboring was suddenly halted as I watched the house behind me burn to ash and all the smoke envelop all my house. All I could think of was get Legends ashes out of the house and thank god we are all safe! Luckily our house did not burn to the ground but we would not be able to have a baby at home nor would we be able to be in our home. All the work I had done to prepare the house for baby, to settle us all into this new addition would be useless. Every gift, every load of wash to clean babies linens would be pointless. Our house was deemed unsafe to return to until the house behind us was removed and our house was cleaned and all baby stuff as well as beds, clothes and linens replaced. I cried tears of relief that we are all alive and together but I also cried tears of dissapointment. Another test of letting go of any idea, plan, expectation or vision I had for this birth and the days to follow. We had planned and envisioned a postpartum love bubble that was very different then what our reality was going to be. This was another test of all we had learned in surrendering and it was our time to let go of an idea and reality that we had worked hard to have. Surrendering has been my greatest lesson in life so far. Surrendering to the unknown, letting go of all control, and finding peace and gratitude amongst challenge.

July 3 and I had decided to have a home birth at my Mom’s. With all that I felt was not going to be I really needed to have the girls at the birth and be there to welcome in their new sibiling. I really needed candles and soft music, I needed to move about freely and breath without a mask. Making this decision was another practice of acceptance and surrender. I knew that there were risks, but I also knew that my body, mind and soul were aligned with this decision. I had to trust myself and remind myself of the lessons I had learned in life thus far. I surrendered to the unknown and let go of all that was attached to my fear. It was then that my body, mind and soul aligned and my labor began to progress beyond spread out contractions and into progressive purposeful waves that would help gently usher baby into this world.

TO BE CONTINUED……